Goldilocks and the Three Bears - A Fracturable Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there lived a 43-year old woman named Goldilocks. Her hair was obviously dyed blonde. She was so depressed, she neglected her hair, and the gray roots were beginning to show.

A Caring Professional advised her to go to a self-help group for recovering dysfunctional people. The group leader said, "Does anyone have a burning desire to share?"

A big beer-bellied bear raised his big fat furry paw. Everyone leaned toward the bear to listen attentively to his story. This is the story of the Three Bears.

Once upon a time, when Baby Bear was five years old, Mama Bear and Papa Bear got into a big ugly fight. They said Baby Bear wasn't cooperating, and that Baby Bear was gloomy and depressed.

Papa Bear yelled at Mama Bear: "It's your fault for treating him like a sissy! How come you're still callin' him "Baby Bear," what a sissy name. For Pete's sake, the kid is five years old!

Mama Bear yelled back at Papa Bear, "Oh yeah? Maybe you could stop beating him! Papa Bear yelled, "That's not beating, that's discipline!" And he roared a big scary roar: "Roooooaaaaaarrrrr!"

Mama Bear started to cry, "If you didn't drink so much..."

Papa Bear roared again. "Roooaaarrr! What the ... are you trying to say? Are you saying I drink too much? After all I do to this family, waddya mean I drink too much?" His breath smelled like beer.

Baby Bear ran out into the woods crying. Mama Bear yelled at Baby Bear, "Hey, Baby Bear, come back! Mama Bear loves you!" And she ran into the woods after him.

Papa Bear went staggering into the woods too. Baby Bear got tired and went to sleep under a bush, and Mama Bear and Papa Bear spent all day looking for him. When they found him, Papa Bear roared "Rooaaarrr! Boy, when I get you back home, I'm going to skin you alive!"

Mama Bear said, "Over my dead body," and Papa Bear gave Mama Bear a mean scary look.

When they got home, the kitchen door was wide open.

Papa Bear gave Baby Bear a mean scary look and said, "Baby Bear, did you leave that door wide open?" Then he went over to the kitchen table and looked at his Papa Bear-sized bowl. And he roared, "Roooaaaaarrrr! Somebody's been eating my porridge! Baby Bear! Where are you?!"

Baby Bear hid under the table.

Mama Bear yelled, "Someone's been eating my porridge! Baby Bear, where are you?!"

Papa Bear scooped up the pot full of porridge, and went stomping into the living room to watch the Dallas Cowboys play the Green Bay Packers.

Mama Bear went too. Baby Bear took his little baby bear bowl into the living room: "Mama Bear! Papa Bear! Someone's been eating my porridge!"

"Hush Baby Bear," said Mama Bear, "I'm watching the commercial." Papa Bear just growled,"Growl."

Baby Bear hid behind the couch.

Papa Bear tried lying on the couch. "Oof! Someone's been sitting on my couch! Baby Bear! Where are you?!"

Mama bear tried sitting in the recliner, but it was stuck. "Someone's been playing with my recliner. Baby Bear! Where are you?!"

Baby Bear saw his Baby Bear chair broken to pieces in the corner, but he was too afraid to say anything.

The football game ended. Papa Bear yawned, and Mama Bear yawned. They decided to go up to bed. So up the stairs they went. Papa Bear stretched out on his bed, but it was messy and uncomfortable.

Baby Bear hid in the closet.

Papa Bear roared, "Roooooaaaaarrrr!" Someone's been sleeping in my bed! Baby Bear, where are you?!"

Mama Bear layed down on her bed. It was rumpled. "Oh! Someone's been sleeping in my bed! Baby Bear! Where are you!

Baby Bear was as quiet as a mouse. But Papa Bear found Baby Bear anyway and took Baby Bear by the scruff of his neck and the seat of his pants and threw Baby Bear into his own bed. And there in Baby Bear's very own bed was a girl! And she was fast asleep.

Papa Bear turned to Mama Bear and said, "See, I told you he was up to no good!"

Baby Bear kicked Papa Bear in the tummy really hard, and Papa Bear groaned, "Groooaaan!" And the girl woke up and ran away, as fast as her little legs could carry her.

And Baby Bear, who was now a Great Big Bear, said to the group:

"Boy I paid for that one. All of my life, ever since then, I have blamed all of my troubles on that poor unfortunate girl. Now though, through the grace of my higher power, I have come to understand that none of my troubles had anything to do with her."

By this time, Goldilocks was holding her hands to her face and weeping uncontrollably.

Baby Bear went on: "I have oftened wondered what happened to her. The real truth is, Papa Bear drank, and his Papa Bear drank, and drinking ruins a lot of people. If I ever found that girl, I would give her a Great Big Bear hug."

The bear looked at the uncontrollably weeping 43-year old woman, and suddenly a flash of recognition caused him to say, "And there she is!"

So he gave her a Great Big Bear hug, and they were friends forever after.

The End.